Training. Or, how to pull my hair out.

[kuran]

So. Dart, the staff have all discussed this. This thread represents your last chance to show some improvement, or you will be asked to leave. And by asked, I mean you'll be shown the door before being kicked through it.

So. We're going to start with the basics.

You're going to make a marine. Post it here. This marine must have the following:

-Use the bio template found in the character creation rules.

-an appearance that you actually write. No images, stupidly large or otherwise.

-Three strengths and three weaknesses. Each strength and weakness must consist of one sentence describing the strength or weakness and how it affects him.

-A biography of one paragraph. This paragraph must be at least four sentences.

-Three npc's, this will be a four-man fireteam including your caracther. Two sentences for each NPC describing personality and role in the team.

-No RP sample. We'll work on that next.

Get started.

[spartan117]

Faction: UNSC
Rank: Private
Division: Marines
Squad: Viper

Name: Dartagnen Agundez
Age: 23
Height: 6ft 3"
Weight: 195 lbs
Birthplace: Harvest

Image: Green eyes, blond hair, scar on the face, young looking, well muscled, has a tattoo on his arm that says "Never Forget" and it has a bullet under the letters.

Strengths:
-Fires fast with short range weapons. Such as shotguns or assault rifles. He does great with any of these weapons in any mission.

-Strong, in allot of ways, such as moving a boulder off of a teammate or can move a door, a metal door. This is a advantage on the battlefield, he will remove things that are crushing allies. This also come in handy if the enemy locks a door, he will try to break it open, if it's a weak door, it would be easy, if it is a hard one, Dart would take some time to open it.

-Dart's a fast runner in battle. This is a good thing for scouting or for retreating. He does great with this because if he has to run towards a Covenant soldier and distracts them he does great at it.

Weaknesses:
-Can't fire well with long range weapons. Such as DMR, a sniper, or a needle rifle. He can do good with them but he can't do it if it is sniping in the dark, he feels like a sangheili might go behind him and will assassinate him.

-Can't stand it when marines say how good they are and don't really battle as much and just hide. He would say something to the people they are talking to, but he can't because they have hope for others.

-In battle, sometimes he's slow at running because how heavy he is. Most of the time it's the supplies he carries, but it can be because he's strong and big, he doesn't know.

NPC's:
Preston "Sarge" Gunny, age 40, rank Sargent, team Viper, has a sister and a brother, married, has a wife and 2 children, good friends with Dart. UNSC's marines, he says it's better to stay marines and die. Primary weapon is a shotgun and secondary is a DMR. Knows Dart because in the same squad. He has brown hair, blue eyes, muscled, has a scar on his arm.

Micheal Bogos, age 27, rank private, team Viper, only child, no wife and kids, has been friends with Dart since 3rd grade. UNSC's marines, he says that he kills the enemy but does not hate them. Primary weapon is a assault rifle and secondary is a SMG. Knows Dart from 3rd grade. Black hair, brown eyes, muscled, has a tattoo of a sniper on his back.

Shylo Arguire, age 24, rank private, team Viper, only child, no wife and kids, has been friends with Dart since their first mission. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he says that he wants to win the war, but he just wants them to die. Primary weapon is a grenade launcher and secondary is assault rifle. Knows Dart because in the same squad. Blond hair, light green eyes, muscled, has a tattoo of a spartan's helmet on his chest.

Chance Agundez, age 20, rank private, team Viper, cousin of Dart, has no wife or kids, knows Dart because he is family. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he's a good shot, talks to much though. Primary weapon is a spartan laser and secondary is a magnum. Knows Dart because in the same family. Red hair, brown eyes, muscled, has a tattoo that says "Hero's never die".

Bio: Private Dartagnen Agundez, born on Harvest, age 23, rank private, division marines, squad Viper, race human, weapons Shotgun and assault rifle, moved to Earth when he was three. He was three years old when he moved to Earth. His family was rich, Dart's dad was head of a family company. He was eight when he heard that the covenant attacked a outer colony, Dart felt sorry for the people.

Dart's family was terrified of the news that the covenant were going back to the outer colonies, and about the planets that have been attacked. When Dart was 14 when he was interested in military weapons, such as guns and knives. Dart decided to join the military when he was old enough. He started training with his dad's gun locker with all types of old weapons.

When Dart was 19, his family decided to move to a outer colony. This one was just discovered, and the covenant hasn't found it yet, so they were safe. They moved to another planet when Dart was 20. With the Macs still being built, Earth was almost unarmed and in terrible danger. They asked him if he wanted to go, but he stayed on Earth. He joined the marines at 20 years of age, and was training hard. He was great with short ranged weapons and a fast runner. He wondered how his family was doing, so, he contacted them, making sure they were alright. One day, when he 21, something wrong happened, and he wasn't sure if his family was alright, he contacted them, but they did not answer, he was worried, then he found out what happened. They also moved because they thought that the covenant would bring a army that even the UNSC would be defeated. The family moved to a new colony, the covenant must of found out and glassed it, being a human planet, they hated any planet that had humans.

His family picked the wrong one, because 12 cruisers and a flag ship came to glass the planet, they came out of slip space and glassed every part of the planet, there was nothing left but ruins. He learned about his family while watching a broadcast and he was devastated and started training like crazy, he was ready to take revenge for his family. When he was 22, he started to wonder if at least one other family member survived. He was hoping that he would be correct and would know, soon.

Dart was lucky to be with a family member, because, he found out a year later that his cousin survived and was in the marines, joining his team. When Dart heard this, he was more happy than ever. He meet up with Chance a week later and they caught up. When they were done talking, they started their first mission with each other. Chance and Dart were the only ones that stayed on Earth while their family moved back to a unmarked planet.

[kuran]

Okay...

-Those strengths and weaknesses. Are they a sentence each? No. Fix it.

-The NPC's. Are they two sentences each? No. Fix it.

-Your entire bio is basically a sentence each about making friends with your NPC's. I don't care about that, I want to know about you. Also, your last sentence, where you lost your entire squad, means that your NPC's would be dead. Which defeats the purpose. Fix it.

[kuran]

Since you said that you're done editing....

-Your strengths and weaknesses are still not sentences. One sentence each. Fix it.

-Your family moved to earth....then got glassed? Wrong, earth hasn't been attacked yet. Fix it.

-At least twice as much bio. Go into detail about pretty much everything.

...Fix it.

[dave36464736]

Bland and boring at best.

If you were reading this in a book. Would you read it? Pretend your reading a book. Write it how you would want it read in a book.

Nit Picking time.

Grammar: Its horrendous at best. Use a word processing program.
Spelling: Same.
Layout: I like the NPC Layout. Good work. Keep that. Other than that. its crap. Needs to be fixed.
Readability: Yikes. Like jamming a spike into my ass. Thats how bad it is.

All in all, I will quote a famous line from Colin Mochre. "I see we have scaled the heights of MT. EVERCRAP!"

Dart. I do think you are trying. VERY... trying. Do you not read any of the other profiles? Draw inspiration from them. Emulate them, but don't blatantly be a plagiarizer.

[spartan117]

I read over, and, I did it again, well, I think, not actually sure, but, I think I'm done so far, this is not saying I am, please tell me I'm wrong...

[kuran]

Replace walking dog with your 'edits'.

You have done none of the things that both Dave and I said. Seriously. Fix it. I'm running out of patience.

[Dufflepud]

**This thread is for Dart, Kuran, and the Admins.**

[spartan117]

Which profiles do I check out, because I can't find any marines...

[Deleted]

As per Kuran's request, I have been sent to comment on said profile.

Dart, this is a sentence. I'll use a custom strength.

- Great accuracy with Snipers. Derek was always working around weapons, and accelerated in terms of accuracy when pulling the trigger, thus making his an exceptional sniper. He works on his accuracy after deployments, to always improve himself.

Does your strengths look like the one above? No. Please make them SENTENCES.

Your bio could use some work, make it longer and more detailed, also you need to EXPLAIN WHY WOULD A FAMILY MOVE TO A PLANET THAT HAS BEEN UNDER ATTACK FOR TWO YEARS!

Dart, people were EVACUATING in 2525, not MOVING IN TO SAY HELLO!

I have posted, please fix the issues..

[spartan117]

I'm almost done with the NPC's

[Dutch]

I took a quick look at the weakness's.

-Can't fire well with long range weapons. Such as DMR, a sniper, or a needle rifle. He can do good with them but he can't do it if it is sniping a covenant leader.

-Can't stand it when people make fun of new marines. Dart stands up for them when they are not good at defending themselves. This is a good thing but, in battle, that is like hearing a bunch of annoying conversations over a com.

-Afraid of heights, such as high buildings or cliffs. If he is going into a pelican or a ship in the air gets Dart sick and feels like he will fall off. This is not good when they have to jump off a cliff, but only with a jet-pack he can do it, other than surrounded by opponents to a cliff, he jumps off only when a ship is there to catch him.

- Why can't he do good if he's sniping a Covenant leader? That makes no sense. If he's good, he's good. if he's not, he's not.

- Are you suggesting the Marines are digging at each other, IN THE MIDDLE OF COMBAT?

"This is not good when they have to jump off a cliff, but only with a jet-pack he can do it, other than surrounded by opponents to a cliff, he jumps off only when a ship is there to catch him."

Please explain this. I think you're saying he's terrified of jumping off of cliffs (Not a weakness since the marines don't jump off cliffs) but he'll do it with a jetpack or when he can be caught by a ship. One thing though, only specialists use jetpacks, and I don't get that sentence about being surrounded by opponents on a cliff.

[spartan117]

Pressure, scared of hieghts, and something else, anything else wrong with my profile?

[Dutch]

Marines aren't scared of heights to that extent, it would be trained out of the.

Why does he only feel this much pressure when shooting at Covenant leaders?

"something else?' Go into detail on that.

[spartan117]

Something else means that he is nice and protecting people.

[Dutch]

And what does that statement apply to?

[spartan117]

((I meant look up, I told you why he does this))

[C3]

Dart, I really recommend that you work with Dutch on this. You're on thin enough ice already.

Just do what he asks and quit giving him lip.

[Dutch]

Don't give me lip. You said "something else" a. I don't know what one of my points you're addressing there, be precise.

[spartan117]

KK, well, I gave you a point. That he's nice and protective to other people.

[Dutch]

Mar 10, 2012 12:37:05 GMT -6 spartan117 said:

Faction: UNSC

Rank: Private

Name: Dartagnen Agundez

Age: 23

Height: 6ft 3"

Weight: 180 lbs

Image: Green eyes, blond hair, scar on the face, young looking, well muscled, has a tattoo on his arm that says "Never Forget" and it has a bullet under the letters.

Strengths:
-Fires well and fast with short range weapons. Such as shotguns or assault rifles. He does great with any of these weapons in any mission.

-"Well and fast"? So he fires accurately while at the same time firing very fast? "Fires well and fast" doesn't make a terrible amount of sense, clear it up.

-Strong, in allot of ways, such as moving a boulder off of a teammate or can move a door, a metal door. This is a advantage on the battlefield, he will remove crushed allies.

"Remove crushed allies"? What?

-Runs fast on solid or rough ground, in water too. This is a good thing for scouting or for retreating. He does great with this because if he has to run towards a Covenant soldier and distracts them he does great at it.

So, he's a fast runner then. Just say that.

Weaknesses:
-Can't fire well with long range weapons. Such as DMR, a sniper, or a needle rifle. He can do good with them but he can't do it if it is sniping a covenant leader.

This still doesn't make much sense. He's a good shot, but he suddenly loses his nerve when shooting at Covenant leaders only? That doesn't make much sense, and especially since the Marines would erase these issues from you in training.

-Can't stand it when people make fun of new marines. Dart stands up for them when they are not good at defending themselves. This is a good thing but, in battle, that is like hearing a bunch of annoying conversations over a com.

Marines don't make fun of new guys, not in a cruel or degrading way. And like I said, the Marines definitely wouldn't be making fun of each other in battle, or filling the COM with useless chatter.

-Afraid of heights, such as high buildings or cliffs. If he is going into a pelican or a ship in the air gets Dart sick and feels like he will fall off. This is not good when they have to jump off a cliff, but only with a jet-pack he can do it, other than surrounded by opponents to a cliff, he jumps off only when a ship is there to catch him.

Again, explain. So he's afraid of heights and gets airsick? Again, the Marines would help you defeat your fear of heights, or control it so it is no hindrance in battle. And only specialists use jetpacks, and you're no specialist.

NPC's:
Preston "Sarge" Gunny, age 40, rank Sargent, team Helljumpers, has a sister and a brother, married, has a wife and 2 children, good friends with Dart. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he says it's better to stay marines and die. Primary weapon is a shotgun and secondary is a DMR. Knows Dart because in the same squad. He has brown hair, blue eyes, muscled, has a scar on his arm.

He has a wife, two children, but his family was killed by Covenant?

Micheal Bogos, age 27, rank warrant officer, team Helljumpers, only child, no wife and kids, has been friends with Dart since 3rd grade. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he says that he kills the enemy but does not hate them. Primary weapon is a assualt rifle and secondary is a SMG. Knows Dart from 3rd grade. Black hair, brown eyes, muscled, has a tattoo of a sniper on his back.

Warrant Officer is not a Marine rank. And the Covenant killed his family but he doesn't hate them?

Shylo Arguire, age 24, rank private, team Hellljumpers, only child, no wife and kids, has been friends with Dart since their first mission. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he says that he wants to win the war, but he just wants them to die. Primary weapon is a sniper and secondary is DMR. Knows Dart because in the same squad. Blond hair, light green eyes, muscled, has a tattoo of a spartan's helmet on his chest.

Were they ALL killed by Covenant? Use some more originality. And also,

Chance Agundez, age 20, rank private, team Helljumpers, cousin of Dart, has no wife or kids, knows Dart because he is family. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he's a good shot, talks to much though. Primary weapon is a DMR and secondary is a magnum. Knows Dart because in the same family. Red hair, brown eyes, muscled, has a tattoo that says "Hero's never die".

Bio: Private Dart Agundez, born on Harvest, then moved to Earth, when he was in school, he was a popular kid, he also was a great student and was in a rich family. When in High school he was interested in joining the marines of Earth. When done with college he joined the UNSC. When he was 20, he learned all about the armor and equipment to use in the battlefield. He was 21 when he learned about where he was born and why they moved in 2525. His family agreed that it would be better to look for another planet.

You have a problem with misusing comma's, a comma means a pause in a sentence. Sound each sentence out as you type to correct this. For example the first sentence would sound like:

"Private Dart Agundez (pause) born on Harvest (pause) then moved to Earth Pause) when he was in school (pause) he was a popular kid (pause) he also was a great student and was in a rich family.

His family picked the wrong one, because 12 cruisers and a flag ship came to glass the planet, they came out of slip space and glassed every part of the planet, there was nothing left but ruins. He learned about his family while watching a broadcast and he was devastated and started training like crazy, he was ready to take revenge for his family. When he was 22, he started to wonder if at least one other family member survived. He was hoping that he would be correct and would know soon.

Why did his rich family suddenly decide to move to Harvest from Earth, and why were they rich?

He has been a marine for everything, he found out a year later that his cousin survived and was in the marines, joining his team. When Dart heard this, he was more happy than ever. He meet up with Chance a week later and they caught up. When they were done talking, they started their first mission with each other. Chance and Dart were the only ones that stayed on Earth while their family moved back to a unmarked planet.

"He has been a marine for everything," That makes no sense.

[masterman]

You did good

[Dutch]

No he did not, hence this thread.

[spartan117]

Chance don't post in my profile!

[Dutch]

Mar 10, 2012 12:37:05 GMT -6 spartan117 said:

Faction: UNSC
Rank: Private
Division: Marines
Squad: Viper

Name: Dartagnen Agundez
Age: 23
Height: 6ft 3"
Weight: 195 lbs
Birthplace: Harvest

Image: Green eyes, blond hair, scar on the face, young looking, well muscled, has a tattoo on his arm that says "Never Forget" and it has a bullet under the letters.

Strengths:
-Fires fast with short range weapons. Such as shotguns or assault rifles. He does great with any of these weapons in any mission. He can also be great at assasinations.

What do you MEAN he fires fast with short range weapons? And what does "great at assassination" mean?

-Strong, in allot of ways, such as moving a boulder off of a teammate or can move a door, a metal door. This is a advantage on the battlefield, he will remove things that are crushing allies. This also come in handy if the enemy locks a door, he will try to break it open, if it's a weak door, it would be easy, if it was a hard one, Dart would take some time to open it.

No one can lift an actual boulder off of someone. And move a metal door? No one is strong enough to, using their own force, break down a decent metal door unless it's cheap-ass which would mean any marine could pull it off.

"if it's a weak door, it would be easy, if it was a hard one, Dart would take some time to open it." Why do you state this? It's stating the complete obvious.

-Runs fast. This is a good thing for scouting or for retreating. He does great with this because if he has to run towards a Covenant soldier and distracts them he does great at it.

Weaknesses:
-Can't fire well with long range weapons. Such as DMR, a sniper, or a needle rifle. He can do good with them but he can't do it if it is sniping in the dark, he feels like a sangheili might go behind him and will assasinate him.

....What? That is a really stupid fear, I'm sorry but it is. Why on Earth would he think that, whenever he's firing a long range weapon in the dark, that a 7 foot+ alien is going to sneak behind him and get him?

-Can't stand it when marines say how good they are and don't really battle as much and just hide. He would say something to the people they are talking to, but he can't becauuse they have hope for others.

Marines are professional soldiers, not a bunch of frat boys with guns.

"He would say something to the people they are talking to, but he can't becauuse they have hope for others."

What? What people they're talking to? What would he say to them? Who's hoping for who? That line makes zero sense.

-In battle when battling, he feels sad for the covenant, they follow false truths and lies of their gods. He doesn't want to fight them, but he has too or they will die. He also feels bad for the cities they glass, not knowing the covenant are doing a terrible thing to the humans.

A grunt trooper would know virtually nothing about the Covenant's motivation or religion, and I highly doubt he would feel sorry for them considering their atrocities and his own background

NPC's:
Preston "Sarge" Gunny, age 40, rank Sargent, team Viper, has a sister and a brother, married, has a wife and 2 children, good friends with Dart. UNSC's marines, he says it's better to stay marines and die. Primary weapon is a shotgun and secondary is a DMR. Knows Dart because in the same squad. He has brown hair, blue eyes, muscled, has a scar on his arm.

Just to point out, only a marksmen would have a DMR. You don't just pick your gun like in the game, you are assigned a weapon based on your skills.

Micheal Bogos, age 27, rank warrant officer, team Viper, only child, no wife and kids, has been friends with Dart since 3rd grade. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he says that he kills the enemy but does not hate them. Primary weapon is a assualt rifle and secondary is a SMG. Knows Dart from 3rd grade. Black hair, brown eyes, muscled, has a tattoo of a sniper on his back.

You fixed nothing about any of your NPCs

Shylo Arguire, age 24, rank private, team Viper, only child, no wife and kids, has been friends with Dart since their first mission. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he says that he wants to win the war, but he just wants them to die. Primary weapon is a sniper and secondary is DMR. Knows Dart because in the same squad. Blond hair, light green eyes, muscled, has a tattoo of a spartan's helmet on his chest.

No snipers. Snipers only operate in pairs, not part of a fireteam.

Chance Agundez, age 20, rank private, team Viper, cousin of Dart, has no wife or kids, knows Dart because he is family. UNSC's marines, family killed by the covenant, he's a good shot, talks to much though. Primary weapon is a DMR and secondary is a magnum. Knows Dart because in the same family. Red hair, brown eyes, muscled, has a tattoo that says "Hero's never die".

Bio: Private Dartagnen Agundez, born on Harvest, age 23, rank private, division marines, squad Viper, race human, weapons Shotgun and assault rifle, moved to Earth when he was three. He was three years old when he moved to Earth. His family was rich, Dart's dad was head of a family company. He was eight when he heard that the covenant attacked a outer colony, Dart felt sorry for the people.

Dart's family was terrified of the news that the covenant were going back to the outer colonies, and about the planets that have been attacked. When Dart was 14 when he was interested in military weapons, such as guns and knives. Dart decided to join the military when he was old enough.

When Dart was 19, his family decided to to move to a outer colony.

They moved to an outer colony, even though they were horrified by the Covenant attacks on outer colonies?

They moved to another planet when Dart was 20. They asked him if he wanted to go, he said that the marines don't run, and he stayed on Earth. What kind of reason is that?

He joined the marines at 20 years of age, and was training hard. He was great with short ranged weapons and a fast runner. He wondered how his family was doing, so, he contacted them, making sure they were alright. One day, when he 21, something wrong happened, and he wasn't sure if his family was alright, he contacted them, but they did not answer, he was worried, then he found out what happened.

His family picked the wrong one, because 12 cruisers and a flag ship came to glass the planet, they came out of slip space and glassed every part of the planet, there was nothing left but ruins. He learned about his family while watching a broadcast and he was devastated and started training like crazy, he was ready to take revenge for his family. When he was 22, he started to wonder if at least one other family member survived. He was hoping that he would be correct and would know soon.

Dart was lucky to be with a family member, because, he found out a year later that his cousin survived and was in the marines, joining his team. When Dart heard this, he was more happy than ever. He meet up with Chance a week later and they caught up. When they were done talking, they started their first mission with each other. Chance and Dart were the only ones that stayed on Earth while their family moved back to a unmarked planet.

[masterman]

FINE!

[Dutch]

...What?

Irrelevant post, I'm having you warned.

[spartan117]

I'm back from vacation and better, or I hope... ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Dutch]

We will see.

[spartan117]

Everyone needs a profile, and this one is going to be my job. I'll do the best I can.